Did I sign up for this?

I feel like I start every post out about how I havent written in so long. I have been feeling guilty because I haven´t been faithful to my blog. I have no desire to write when life is hard so maybe I am being deceitful about everything here. Ive had a few really hard weeks. And each time I think it couldn´t get any harder, the next difficult time seems to be worst than the last. I came here thinking I would get to love some kids an learn how to love God better. I knew that I would get more help than I would give. But I seriously had no idea that I would get blasted with all of my faults. Okay internally I have been growing immensly with God. Seeing my faults, but they were a lot I always knew. These past few weeks I have gotten in more trouble than I ever have in my life.

I was always the teachers pet. I liked to follow directions and found pride in never getting in trouble. I still remember vividly the one time I got in trouble in school in 5th grade when I rolled my eyes. So imagine a priest coming up to you every other day to tell you waht you´ve done wrong. Each day was ending in tears. I felt like no one loved me, I was scared to do anything because it would be done incorrectly. I was in so much despair.

I came into desert this weekend. I felt like I was drowning and was almost at the end of my ability to keep a float. My arms were tired, my feet, my legs, my bones. And my heart was turning a bit cold. I talked with our head Irmã and she told me I needed to learn to take criticism without feeling attacked in my being. She said not only I, but many kids in my generation, are just no practical because we never had to be. We don´t need to clean well and don´t think ahead. I was a bit offended until I realized it was true. She said I needed to pay attention to tiny details. Spend more time cleaning the house, picking up. And I realized this weekend that looking at teh small things like the dirt on the ground will teach me to be able to see teh small people of this world. These small people entrusted to me to love them.

God is telling me that I came here with my own agenda and here he is, 6 months in, showing me I didnt expect to confront. And I´m no longer going to be the 5 year old Erica who cried when I was reprimanded. Because God still loves me, He still has the desire to give through me. Even when I need to clean the paintbrushes better. And these people who are quite harsh with me are placed here to help me grow.

Pray for me as I am learning to trust in Him. To learn to be humble. Humility is a hard lesson and since I spent 6 months not wanting to learn, He blasted me with it this month. So here I am learning to be humble in Brazil. Pray for me as I pray for you,
Love,
Erica