Well. It´s over.
I´m speechless. I can´t get myself to call my mom or my dad or my brother (sorry about that). I don´t want to talk about it. Almost like everything will crumble if I speak about it--about the tears, about the exhaustion I´m feeling, about the pain in leaving my children. I called a close friend that night who always knows how to console me. I stifled my tears and have yet to let them loose since. I have looked at the pictures of my party about 20 times now. And I don´t dare think about those last 5 minutes in the Fazenda.
It was painful. Yet I realized two things
1) I wouldn´t give up the experience I had here in place of the pain
2) it wasn´t the pain of a broken heart, but the pain of a GROWING heart. indescribable. like it was stretching even more to fit in each of my loved ones here. to be able to fit even more of Christ's love to be able to pour out to others.
And so I accept it. I give up my sadness. Even though it´s engulfing me at the moment. I sit here in a gloud of unknowingness. I went shopping yesterday for gifts. I was not feeling well. I was melancholy. My arms were loaded down and I had only bought half of what I wanted. I gave up. I walked and looked and tried to take in this culture. this people. my people. And despite my exhaustion, I´m not sleeping very well.
So how did it go? I spent the last two days embroidering cards. Don´t ask me why. I just needed to do it. So I sat on Cristiano´s couch while he worked on the kitchen (I told him what to do, etc) and sewed. I packed a few hours before we left. The kids followed me around like little chicks and sat on my bedroom floor and were driving me crazy. But I knew it was our last moments together, so I didn´t kick them out. At the last minute, I went into the bathroom and gave myself a pep talk before going and saying goodbye to everyone. The whole community was there, in a circle. Where do I start, how do I say goodbye? Adriano hugged me for a good 3 minutes. And well, all I could do was say goodbye. The kids followed me in the circle, waiting their chance. I had to wait til the end. I knew I would break down.
Of course I did. I hugged tete. And I broke down in tears. And so she broke down in tears. And there I was hugging that ball of hair and crying. And then Rafa gave me some flowers. And Marcos. didn´t want to let go of me. And my Bea. Bea wouldn´t look at me. She hid in her moms dress. She started yelling. yelling and crying. It broke my heart. She left the group. Daniel started crying before getting in the car (he was taking me to maria helenas). I went to climb in the car. I saw Bea screaming in the distance. I put one foot to go after her and I stopped. I retraced. I got in the car. I cried.
Daniel did the prayer to protect our trip. He started the Hail Mary and 3 words in, broke into tears again. He prayed for my trip, for my return to my family and for my life. It made me cry even more although I tried to quietly cry for him not to notice. He looked up at me and he wiped my tears. Meu Deus. My little angel.
We ate dinner together. It prolonged the goodbye a little longer. But finally it arrived. He started wailing. "BUT I LOVE YOU" he yelled. Oh my daniel. But I love you too.
I wanted to break into tears, but I didnt wnat to make my friends here uncomfortable. So I let the tears run down my cheeks. And then. I just couldn´t think about it longer. And here I am today.
The party Sunday was beautiful. more than 140 were there. Dona Virginha told me she wouldn´t come. She showed up in a beautiful pink dress. She made me so happy. 15 minutes til mass, I still had to get ready. And Daniel. I called him from the soccer field. He put out his 'wait' hand. I got him into house (after dragging him) and while I went into my room, he escaped back out. I had to call Cristiano. I rushed to the church. I sat alone until I got rafa to come and sit with me. The church was filled. The music was BEAUTIFUL.
The moment of invoking the holy spirit, there was this immense heat in me. That body warming sensation of Him. Dona Hilda came. I met her a few months ago on the bus. She lives in a tiny shack with her two boys. Her only daughter is paralyzed in a disability home. She has lost 10 of her 13 children-- the most recent being her 17 year old son. She has bad knees and an achy body. Her husband died in the last year due to a snake bite. And yet, her happiness of our visits is immense. She hadn´t visited the Fazenda in 13 years. She came and oh! When she hugged me, I was sure she was sent from the Lord. I didn´t wnat to let go of her. How to love a poor, humble woman that lives in an isolated place in Brasil. How am I so lucky?
The party was full of joy and love and I couldn´t have been happier.
Now I´m here. I´m here. It´s all going to be okay because I continue to follow Him.
I´m glad I took a risk and loved them all.
Here are the pictures from the past month. There were so many that I made albums on picasa. enjoy.
https://picasaweb.google.com/107458517214727227557/SaoJoao2012
https://picasaweb.google.com/107458517214727227557/DespedidaDeErica
pray for me in these next moments of unknowingness
love,
erica
